Random Musings

Firstly, I have to give a shout out to the Mississippi State baseball team for winning the 2005 SEC Tournament Championship. Way to go guys.... you rock!!! This win was particularly satisfying as MSU beat Ole Miss for the title. Last night after spending a few hours at the Crescent City, I decided to have some fun at Ole Miss' expense. I went by the Meridian First Baptist Church and changed it's message board. This morning, the city was greeted with the following sight.



Secondly, TLC was way wrong with their hit single, Scrubs. Even though, those ladies don't want no scrubs, I certainly do. I was very happy when my first season of Scrubs arrived in the mail on Friday. Zach Braff, you are the MAN!!!!

Lastly, it appears that many of the people with whom I interact through this medium seem to enjoy complaining more than having their "so called" grievances addressed. To this end, I will do my best to ensure that you have plenty to complain about. I want everyone to enjoy this blog (even if they have to be unhappy to so).

Man of the Cloth

For those of you who have been living under a rock, I am an ordained minister. Given my previous posts, that might be very disturbing for some. To make all my readers rest a little easier, I am merely an ordained Universal Life Minister. This means nothing other than I have the authority to perform weddings.

I have officiated over one marriage ceremony in the past and it appears that I will get to marry another couple very soon. Some friends who work at the Crescent City Restaurant are engaged, and I have been asked to marry them. Given how well my first marriage has worked out, I cannot wait to bring the same marital bliss to this new couple.

Wish me and them lots of luck.

Fine Dining in Pearl????

After viewing the latest George Lucas blockbuster Monday night, cousin Luke and myself wanted to get something to eat. Because of my laziness, we had decided to watch the movie in Pearl as it was the closest theater to downtown Jackson. My laziness again dictated our plans as there was an O'Charleys adjacent to the theatre. Even thought the thought of spending any additional time in Pearl was certainly not appetizing, I assumed that even Pearl could not ruin an O'Charley's. How wrong I was.

When we were seated, the waitress immediately read off a list of menu items that were unavailable. I decided that I would like a little surf and turf. Unfortunately, the waitress returned to our table and said that the last bit of surf had just been sold. I decided to opt for a steak dinner instead and Luke ordered steak and chicken. Before our meals arrived, I was told that they were out of smashed potatoes, but was told that I could have a baked potato. Luke and I discussed the possibility of asking them to smash a baked potato, but wisely concluded that such a technical concept would be far outside the grasp of a Pearl resident.

When our meals arrived, Luke almost immediately started grumbling about the quality of his steak. I quickly discovered that my steak was not cooked correctly. Instead of being medium, it was somewhere in between well and medium well.

We both finished our meals and then wanted to leave...quickly. I could feel my I.Q. dropping and was becoming worried. However, leaving was not easy task to accomplish. Apparently, there was only one waitress on duty and she had several tables. There were plenty of employees that were loitering in the dining area, but they had not been trained in the intricate art of bring a bill to someone's table. After waiting an additional 30 minutes, we finally were able to pay for our meals and LEAVE.

The only positive I can mention about the dining experience was that there were comment cards available.

...and people wonder why I don't like Pearl.

Chaotic

In keeping with my T.V. theme, I thought it was necessary to comment upon the new Britney Spears show, Chaotic. While I have not had the privilege of viewing this masterful hour of television, the description that I have heard of it make it sound extraordinarily wretched. It's hard to believe that a show now exists which makes me long for the grace and level-headed common sense of Anna Nicole Smith.

If anyone wants an excellent recap of the first episode, go to Television Without Pity.

It includes what is probably the quote of the month: "In a better world, Kevin Federline would not be the "Executive Producer" of anything but a myriad of unloved babies from different trashy women."

YES!!!!!!!

It's been made official. Arrested Development is getting renewed for next season! It would appear that my threat of an episode by episode recap of the Gilmore Girls has worked. I'm so happy, I could almost be nice to Vile Woman.

Now, if Fox would get rid of American Dad...

See the following link:

The Best News Ever!

Does This Effectively Hide My Thunder?

Just a friendly word of warning to everyone. If Arrested Development does not get renewed for next season, this blog will become a my platform to attack the Fox Network. Rumors are swirling that AD has been renewed. If Fox is f@#king with us, they will feel the wrath of someone far more dangerous than Khan. I know someone who would be more than happy to give them an episode by episode recap of this season's Gilmore Girls.

I'm prepared to play hardball. Don't push me Fox...you'll regret it!!!!!

Why Sonic... Why

I'm sure that most everyone has seen the recent wave of Sonic commercials. The ones where the two guys sit in the car and then wackiness ensues. I've always enjoyed their offbeat sensibility and find it to be amusing.

I was watching television recently and a sonic commercial appeared. Instead of the two guys, there was a married couple. They DID not have an offbeat sense of humor. The supposed joke was that the guy's mother wasn't a good cook. How original, Sonic. Where did you come up with such edgy material?

This depresses me for two reasons: firstly, it is akin to expecting Scrubs and getting Life According to Jim. Secondly, I don't want to have to think about married people eating. Do married people eat out? Probably, but I don't know for sure, and I don't want to. Just the thought of it gives me the willies.

Please Sonic, bring back the two guys!!!!! I'm begging.

There's Trouble Afoot

It appears that the machines in my life are plotting some sort of a evil scheme. First, my washing machine did not start as it should. I took some jostling around of the dial for it to work correctly. Then the dishwasher became belligerent. The latch would not close properly. I was able to force it in place and wash my dishes. However, if I ever become married and have son prone to pushing, then the dishwasher must go. Today, my laptop decided not to work. I had to go through a lot of extra trouble to draft a standard incarceration order.

This is becoming a disturbing trend. Be afraid...be very afraid.

Pieces of Flair

I felt like it was necessary to re-examine my life today and find the inner truth. This proved to be extremely elusive. You can't just find inner truth in a Happy Meal. Trust me...I've tried. You certainly cannot find it at MDHS. In fact, you can hardly find it in any external sources. You can create all the pieces of flair you wish, but you cannot obscure the reality of existence. Existence is painful, horrific, and uncomfortable.

Thank God for red Swingline staplers.

Santo Gold

I was at work today when mind suddenly tool me back the wonderful decade that was the 80's. It was truly a glorious time - Ronald Reagan, Back to the Future, parachute pants, Rubik's cubes and, of course, Santo Gold.

I spent many a Saturday night of my youth watching what was quite possibly the worst infomercial ever made. (Probably a better choice than how I've spent my recent Saturday nights.) It would go to great lengths to explain why this cheap crap was better than real gold because it gave you the experience of 24 karat gold against your skin. The best part was when it attempted to promote this mess of a movie, Blood Circus. The plot of the movie was incomprehensible, but it somehow involved cannibalistic wrestlers from space. Without a doubt, the highlight of the movie was when Santo Gold himself sang the Santo Gold theme song. For the brave of heart, I've attached the following link:

I dare you to listen

p.s. Don't forget to ask for your free scream bag.

Weekly WTF Alias Post

Boy, is my face red! My theory about Dr. Lenny was apparently waaay wrong. He is not evil, nor is he working for Evil Sis. He was just a product of Jack's diseased-ravaged mind. The real Dr. Lenny was in the Witness Protection Program in Europe.

Evil Sis, though, is living up to her name. She was ready to off her niece if it had been necessary. It would be interesting if she and Uncle Arvin were working together. Although, I don't think that's the case.

The next few episodes should be good.

Saturday Night in the Queen City

Last night was rather interesting. With cousin Luke out of town, I went to my usual weekend haunt. Once there, I played NTN trivia and had a few cold ones. Sometime around 10:30, a semi-regular asks me to dance. It was obvious that she was drunk, but she was very attractive, so I agreed. Her dance style was a bit unorthodox, but not entirely unpleasant. She wanted me to dip her very frequently and would just fall back unannounced. It was becoming difficult to keep from letting her fall to the ground (not that she would have realized it- she was drunk).

As our dancing continued, she started becoming more affectionate and asked me if I wanted to leave with her. This created a problem as the prospect seemed intriguing. However, I did not want to become the newest child support case in Lauderdale County. As I was pondering this dilemma and asking myself, "What would Larry "Bud" Melman do?", she ran behind the bar barefoot which severely pissed off the bartenders. Suddenly, she jumped on me and I wasn't prepared. We both fell to floor making a rather large spectacle of ourselves.

This caused one of the bartenders to tell her that she was cut off. Shortly thereafter, she and her friends left. The bartender then apologized to me for ruining my hook-up. I decided that it was a good thing and I was lucky things didn't progress any further.

It wasn't exactly the ideal way to spend a Saturday, but it was better than staying home and watching NBC.

To all the moms...Happy Mother's Day!!!!!!!! You rock!!!!

Mad Libs

Today I went to a/an (noun) store and bought a/an (adjective) (noun). My (type of animal) seemed very (verb/past tense) when he saw it. I said, "Hey, (name) how would you like to have your (body part) (verb/ past tense).

Later in the afternoon, I heard a very (adjective) noise outside. I immediately (verb/present tense) towards the street and saw a/an (adjective) (noun). This certainly has been a/an (adjective) day!

Sassy & Vile Woman

Apparently, I cannot be credited for anything that is remotely considered to be productive. This past weekend, I hosted Sassy, and she noticed my viola and impatien seedlings. Instead of providing me with a positive and uplifting affirmation, she made a snarky comment implying that Vile Woman must have seeded the plants. The implication was that I was either too incompetent or too lazy to accomplish same.
The next day I welcomed Vile Woman into my home and she noticed that my kitchen was clean. Instead of congratulating me on a job well done, she automatically assumed that Sassy was responsible for such cleaning efforts. Once again, the implication was less than flattering.

The bottom line is that even though I cannot comprehend why a guy would look at another man's hairy ass and find love, I can certainly understand why a guy might hope that a third gender exists.

Etymologies

I was recently chastised for my improper use of the word "possum." I anticipated this response and will use it to educate the world about etymologies. The word "possum" is based on the Powhatan word "opossum." The Powhatan Indians were a proud people who were one with nature. The word "opossum" was used by the Powhatans to refer to a wide range of small, tiny-eyed mammals which included moles.
However, the word "mole" is of Middle English origin and all English languages are Germanic in derivation. In case anyone here has forgotten, the Germans have a history of not being very nice people. They certainly would not care about the status of some "mole." When I used the word "possum" I was intending to convey small, tiny-eyed mammal qualities in the most positive way possible. Use of the word "mole" would have cheapened my message of gratitude. Nevertheless, since the moniker of "Mole" is preferred, I will do my best to use it.
Mole, Mole, Mole, Mole, Mole!!!!

What Number Am I Thinking Of?

Random thoughts...

I'd like to give a big shout out to Mole (Possum). He was able to correct some recent deficiencies that I've had with my bathroom plumbing. Apparently, my ball had too much water in it and wouldn't float. Thanks Mole (Possum)!

I watched the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy this weekend. It's not the best movie, but any true Hitchhiker's fan should see it.

I was disappointed with the new episode of Family Guy. It seemedto be lacking the whimsy and Gen X sensibility that have made it such an enjoyable show. I'm hopeful that it will get better. American Dad still sucks. If Fox cancels Arrested Development and renews Dad, I will unleash a stream of obscenities on this blog that would make Buster blush. Hmm...Buster Blush...that sounds like the newest Estee Lauder beauty product.

BTW the answer is 7.1428.