For All I Know, If Darwin Hadn't Learned to Pawn His Stuff...

Those was the last words spoken by a character in one of my dreams the moment before I awoke this morning. I cannot remember who this character was, although I think he worked at the Vatican.

What was this person trying to say? I think it would have been very profound. Can anyone help me finish this?

Spam Haikus

If you're at all like me (and, hopefully, you're not), then you probably are getting a smattering of oddly-titled spam in your inbox. I'm guessing that these unusual titles are the result of the new anti-spam filters.

However, I've noticed that a lot of the spam that I have received contains five and seven syllable titles. What could be a better waste of time than creating spam haikus?

For example:

At yam not befoul
Tappet wallace persiflage
Speckle aggressive

Or how about:

In clerk in carnal
Waters prurient estop
Rickert some lattice

Finally:

Counterattack crimp
Bent artisan acyclic
Fetter ribbon fare

Please feel free to add your own.

I Caught You A Delicious Bass

Yes, it's true gentle blog reader. I have personally caught YOU a delectable freshwater fish.

Well... actually, it's not a bass; it's more of a catfish. And I didn't really catch it... I just bought it at the local supermarket. O.K.... I didn't exactly purchase it, I just kinda looked at it for a while. Anyway, the thought is the important part. Well, that and the herbs for fish.

The Menace of Hervé Villechaize?

Sometimes I wonder if I had watched things in chronological order, would I have viewed them differently. A prime example is the above-mentioned actor. I first came to know him as the lovable and whimsical character of Tattoo on the television series, Fantasy Island.

After being fully indoctrinated by that series, I watched the James Bond movie, The Man with The Golden Gun. In it, Herve' plays the role of the Bond villain's "evil" henchman, Nick Nack. What I am unable to ascertain, at this point, is whether the Nick Nack character was supposed to be menacing or just comic relief. Viewed through the "Tattoo" filter of my existence, I just don't know.

Can anyone help?

Asbestos In Obstetrics

This has to be one of my favorite movies of all time. Where else could you watch the combined starpower of Melissa Gilbert, Lou Ferrigno, and Robert Ulrich? The drama... the emotion... the action... the romance - it is simply sublime.

The only downside is that it hasn't been released on DVD, and I can only watch it on TCN. Well, who said life was perfect?

An Offer You Can't Refuse

40 pieces of gold to the first person who brings me Monkey Boy's head on a silver platter. If you act now, I'll even reimburse you for the cost of the platter (provided you save the receipt).

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Idiots

If last year had gone as I had scripted it, I would be getting married today. Hopefuly, I will soon realize that this was a good thing. I'm just not quite there, yet.

On a positive note, if my plans had worked out, I would likely never have known what Kamikaze Karaoke is.

The Barry Zuckercorn of Cruises

Well, I'm back from my adventure at sea and it was very good. I had a relaxing week of tropical fun and umbrella drinks. I did the Duval Crawl and took a ghost tour in Key West, saw Cuba, had a jeep adventure in the Caymans, and partied at Carlos & Charley's and what was left of Mr. Sanchos in Cozumel.

The only downside was that the demographic was the same as a retirement community in Florida. However, it was fun to create a frenzied mob by mentioning that the cast of Matlock was having a Q & A in the theater.

I finished off the trip with some light smuggling and bootlegging. I would have to say that it was a very successful adventure.