Warning Labels

I usually decry the absurd level to which warning labels have arisen. I've actually seen a shirt which cautioned against ironing while it was being worn. After last night, I may have to revisit that stance.

I was playing Wii bowling with friends last night, and a great time was had by all. Sadly to say, this morning was an entirely different story. I felt like I had been fun over by a dump truck and could not see.

I, for one, have found that Wii does an exemplary job of detailing the potential dangers of improperly using the wireless controllers. I have no issue with that and would like to bestow kudos upon them for this. "Kudos to you, Wii!" However, I humbly submit that the following warning should be included with the Wii Sports Bowling game: "Warning! the use of this software in the presence of others on a weekend night can lead to the consumption of alcohol in the equivalent of the gross national product of Ecuador and the inability to locate your eyeglasses the following morning."

I firmly believe that this warning should be added and encourage everyone in the blogosphere to contact Nintendo with the suggestion.

Teaching Poodles Calculus

As you may or may not know, I am an ambulance chaser. Unfortunately, my life is not nearly as exciting as it is for the television attorneys. When I have court, there is usually very little fast-paced, heart-pounding drama. In a word, it's boring. In fact, I don't spend a majority of my time conducting hearing in front of the judge. I spend it trying to negotiate with the adverse parties.

I had court in a particularly rural part of the state today. We had a extremely crowded docket and the courtroom was packed. As is the case, sometimes I have to deal with a series of potential candidates for this year's Darwin Awards. Today was one of those days. Each person seemed to be denser and more argumentative than the one before. Only through my fondness of eating, was I able to endure this without walking out. As I sat there trying to futilely make my point, I decided that it would be easier to teach calculus to poodles.

I'm not sure if there would be a market for this service, but if so, I am there. Cesar Millan, watch your back.

I Hates Me Some Spy Daddy

If you've been a voracious reader of my blog and have an extremely good memory, than you know that Alias was one of my favorite television shows. One of the most central characters on the show was none other than Jack Bristow who was expertly played by the talented Victor Garber. His character's intensity often was the most enjoyable part of many an episode, and his devotion to his daughter was inspirational.

That being said, I am now going on record in stating that I no longer care for this character as he is trying to kill my mojo. It doesn' matter whether it is intentional or not. The end result will be the same.

So in my best Chuck Heston voice, I say: "Damn you, Spy Daddy! Damn you to hell!"

"Come Lay Down" Says the Couch to Me

I have discovered a serious hazard in my home. It is none other than my couch. It just innocently sits there beckoning me to lay down and watch television. Once I do, it's over. I quickly lose consciousness and have, once again, delivered myself to it's evil clutches. Much to my chagrin, any ongoing communications that I have been engaging in are summarily terminated. Once I'm soundly asleep, I shudder to think what may be happening to me. Generally, I will awake several hours later with a History Channel infomercial blaring at me from the television and a slight uneasy feeling that I've been used.

I am at my wit's end trying to determine the cause of it's strange power over me. However, I would like to advance one humble theory. After I lay down, the couch expertly injects a low-grade sedative from a small hypodermic needle hidden in the cushion. I realize that this explanation may seem extraordinarily unlikely, but it absolves me of any responsibility for my actions, and therefore, is the solution that I am advancing.

If any of you out in the great blogosphere have other ideas as to why this is occurring, please share them. Please? I anxiously await your responses.

What The hell is a Blog And Why I am Posting on It?

After almost a year of blogless life, I have decided to make an attempt at producing a post that is witty, topical, and thoughtful. After reading the first sentence, I realize that's not going to happen. Maybe blogging is akin to riding a bicycle and it will take several attempts before I have anything that resembles tolerable material.

Disclaimers aside, I know that you, my loyal public are sitting in awe wondering to what to you owe the privilege of once again reading my drivel. I could tell you that I have finally come to grips with the untimely death of Lord Melman, but you would likely say, "Hey Bo, that's a load of crap!" You would be entirely correct in doing so. At the urging of someone special I have decided to fire up this crime against nature. Be warned. It will not be pretty, and I cannot be held responsible for any I.Q. lowering that will incur from the consumption of the info this blog will publish.

Further disclaimers aside, I must now come up with a suitable topic....I'm thinking........don't rush me. I've got it! A carpet is neither a car nor a pet. Discuss.