The Life and Times of Larry "Bud" Melman

"Knee Karate"

2008-07-13T13:17:00.002-05:00

I had a rather odd dream last night. Apparently, I was participating in some weird hybrid martial arts class that featured a unique method of attack. From what I can remember, it involved very high jumping and random attempts to pummel your opponent with your knees. I cannot remember the finer points of this technique, and I'm not sure what my arms were doing other than helping me keep balance. However, I think with a little creative marketing ,this could become the latest exercise craze. (I'm certain it would provide a great cardio workout.)

If anyone out there would like to assist me in producing an infomercial pitching this remarkable system, let me know and we'll do lunch.

Warning Labels

2008-05-24T22:11:00.002-05:00

I usually decry the absurd level to which warning labels have arisen. I've actually seen a shirt which cautioned against ironing while it was being worn. After last night, I may have to revisit that stance.

I was playing Wii bowling with friends last night, and a great time was had by all. Sadly to say, this morning was an entirely different story. I felt like I had been fun over by a dump truck and could not see.

I, for one, have found that Wii does an exemplary job of detailing the potential dangers of improperly using the wireless controllers. I have no issue with that and would like to bestow kudos upon them for this. "Kudos to you, Wii!" However, I humbly submit that the following warning should be included with the Wii Sports Bowling game: "Warning! the use of this software in the presence of others on a weekend night can lead to the consumption of alcohol in the equivalent of the gross national product of Ecuador and the inability to locate your eyeglasses the following morning."

I firmly believe that this warning should be added and encourage everyone in the blogosphere to contact Nintendo with the suggestion.

Teaching Poodles Calculus

2008-05-22T22:45:00.002-05:00

As you may or may not know, I am an ambulance chaser. Unfortunately, my life is not nearly as exciting as it is for the television attorneys. When I have court, there is usually very little fast-paced, heart-pounding drama. In a word, it's boring. In fact, I don't spend a majority of my time conducting hearing in front of the judge. I spend it trying to negotiate with the adverse parties.

I had court in a particularly rural part of the state today. We had a extremely crowded docket and the courtroom was packed. As is the case, sometimes I have to deal with a series of potential candidates for this year's Darwin Awards. Today was one of those days. Each person seemed to be denser and more argumentative than the one before. Only through my fondness of eating, was I able to endure this without walking out. As I sat there trying to futilely make my point, I decided that it would be easier to teach calculus to poodles.

I'm not sure if there would be a market for this service, but if so, I am there. Cesar Millan, watch your back.

I Hates Me Some Spy Daddy

2008-05-21T21:42:00.004-05:00

If you've been a voracious reader of my blog and have an extremely good memory, than you know that Alias was one of my favorite television shows. One of the most central characters on the show was none other than Jack Bristow who was expertly played by the talented Victor Garber. His character's intensity often was the most enjoyable part of many an episode, and his devotion to his daughter was inspirational.

That being said, I am now going on record in stating that I no longer care for this character as he is trying to kill my mojo. It doesn' matter whether it is intentional or not. The end result will be the same.

So in my best Chuck Heston voice, I say: "Damn you, Spy Daddy! Damn you to hell!"

"Come Lay Down" Says the Couch to Me

2008-05-17T09:10:00.002-05:00

I have discovered a serious hazard in my home. It is none other than my couch. It just innocently sits there beckoning me to lay down and watch television. Once I do, it's over. I quickly lose consciousness and have, once again, delivered myself to it's evil clutches. Much to my chagrin, any ongoing communications that I have been engaging in are summarily terminated. Once I'm soundly asleep, I shudder to think what may be happening to me. Generally, I will awake several hours later with a History Channel infomercial blaring at me from the television and a slight uneasy feeling that I've been used.

I am at my wit's end trying to determine the cause of it's strange power over me. However, I would like to advance one humble theory. After I lay down, the couch expertly injects a low-grade sedative from a small hypodermic needle hidden in the cushion. I realize that this explanation may seem extraordinarily unlikely, but it absolves me of any responsibility for my actions, and therefore, is the solution that I am advancing.

If any of you out in the great blogosphere have other ideas as to why this is occurring, please share them. Please? I anxiously await your responses.

What The hell is a Blog And Why I am Posting on It?

2008-05-15T23:43:00.002-05:00

After almost a year of blogless life, I have decided to make an attempt at producing a post that is witty, topical, and thoughtful. After reading the first sentence, I realize that's not going to happen. Maybe blogging is akin to riding a bicycle and it will take several attempts before I have anything that resembles tolerable material.

Disclaimers aside, I know that you, my loyal public are sitting in awe wondering to what to you owe the privilege of once again reading my drivel. I could tell you that I have finally come to grips with the untimely death of Lord Melman, but you would likely say, "Hey Bo, that's a load of crap!" You would be entirely correct in doing so. At the urging of someone special I have decided to fire up this crime against nature. Be warned. It will not be pretty, and I cannot be held responsible for any I.Q. lowering that will incur from the consumption of the info this blog will publish.

Further disclaimers aside, I must now come up with a suitable topic....I'm thinking........don't rush me. I've got it! A carpet is neither a car nor a pet. Discuss.

Who Are All These People, and What Are We Doing in this Hand Basket?

2007-06-06T00:04:00.000-05:00

Sometimes truth is really stranger than fiction...In my last blog I mentioned that I had dated an incredible girl who had the good sense to dump me after a couple of weeks. At that point, I thought our days of "togetherness" were over. However, it appears that I was a little premature in that assessment (however, not in the way that you might think)

It would seem that another girl has a thing for me. It would also seem that the woman who dumped me also has a thing for this same girl. The end result of this is that the two of us have entered into some odd type of Cruel Intentions/Dangerous Liaisons dynamic over the previously-mentioned third party.

I'm not sure that I'm equipped to deal with something of this nature. My inner instinct tells me that there should be someway to settle this that would make all parties happy. However, whatever weak semblance of morality left in me doesn't appear to be going for that. (Dammit!) I probably should add that the girl in question is roughly half my age.

Any advice or ridicule is welcome.

Wow! How Long Has This taken?

2007-05-23T22:50:00.001-05:00

It's been awhile...

I'd love to say that this 5 month lapse was due to an insidious plan of obfuscation created by a giant global conspiracy that reaches all level of government. However, in all fairness, I must admit that it has been solely due to my laziness.

Since the beginning of the year, I've had a wild and wacky roller coaster ride. I've met an incredible woman and have been relieved of any relationship responsibilities by her inexplicable logic (otherwise known as common sense and good taste). I've had to come to grips with the untimely death of Lord Melman. I've begun to acknowledge the fact that I won't have a functioning liver after the year 2010. Finally, I've learned how to deal with asshole engineers from Wisconsin.

Most importantly, over the last several months, I've wondered how messed up I would have to be to make another post on this blog. I'm guessing tonight that we all found out.

I would be remiss if I did not give mad props to Sassy for giving me a copy of her bitchin' mix "tape." I encourage everyone to download Lord, Devil and Him by Joshua James. You will not regret it.

'Tis Better To Give Than Receive

2006-12-20T20:07:00.000-06:00

This evening I was able to succesfully complete my Christmas shopping. It was a struggle, but I made it through as it appears that I may have the onset of the flu. When I returned home, my temperature was at a balmy 101.9 degrees. This should not be a suprise to anyone who knows me, as my chances of surviving the Christmas holidays without getting sick are slightly less than the city of Pearl being named home to the world Mensa headquarters.

As invariably occurs when you feel like total crap and want to make a quick trip to the mall, you get stuck behind an endless-parade of human debris- the trailer park-dwelling, NASCAR-watching, Beast-drinking, rednecks who have ablsolutely no clue how to act in a checkout line. Tha only pleasure I had tonight was that whenever I became trapped by one of Darwin's "little treaures, " I would cough in their general direction. Hopefully, I have made this Christmas just a little more exciting for the employees of the Lauderdale County Health Dept.

In this spirit, I would like to make a list of people on whom I would love to cough.

1. Ray Boswell (for those of you who don't know to what I'm referring, please visit www.wtok.com)

2. Twenty-three (twice)

3. John Reeves

4. Britney Spears

5. Edna Sanchez (we had a falling out earlier this month. Don't ask- it's still too painful)

Since I'm starting to hallucinate and see Rush's Moving Pictures albums don velour jumpsuits and dance around my head, I better go and lay on the couch.

So, to everyone in the blogosphere, have the best Christmas imaginable! ( 'cept for you five)

This Tastes Like the Civil War.... and other Thanksgiving Musings

2006-11-26T14:21:00.000-06:00

I'm trying to break out of the general malaise that is encompassing my blog, so I'll share some recent observations with you.

My cooking reminds one person of this country's bloodiest conflict. (The scary thing is that it may have been a compliment.)

Some people like getting hit in the face with weird things.

22 and 42 are important numbers. However, by tomorrow, 22 will change to 23.

I almost got killed yesterday by a low-hanging power line.

8:00 a.m. on a Sunday morning is not a good time to have a coherent conversation with me.

This year's edition MSU football may have had the worst special teams in the history of collegiate athletics.

Midtown Grill has $1 Blue Moon draft all day.

I have been remiss in not providing a shout-out to good friend that introduced the Michilada to me.

Feel free to add your own.

A Lateral Move?

2006-10-27T00:13:00.000-05:00

One of our lawyers is leaving at the end of the month. She got a "better" job offer. I'm sure that you're thinking she's probably going to work for some large firm or the AG's office.

Not quite... she'll be working at sex shop- selling adult novelties and videos to the uppercrust of society. The disturbing aspect of this is that she'll be making the same money that she does at her current job.

Maybe I should give serious consideration to this whole pimping idea. I already have the outfit.

The Unglamorous Side of Blogging

2006-10-09T22:25:00.000-05:00

This was a day that I always feared would come. It's with a heavy heart that I approach my responsibility. However, in order to keep my blog relevant, I have to cut out the dead weight. I owe it to the readers of this blog to provide links that are kept current. Unfortunately, two of my links have not been updated in over 90 days. So while it pains me very deeply to do this, I must remove them.

Goodbye MOA and TJF. You will be missed. (Actually, you would be missed if you ever took the time to post anything. Like that's ever going to happen...you lazy bastards.)

It's All Going Straight To Hell...

2006-09-27T21:30:00.000-05:00

It appears that the blogging experience on this corner of the net has completely fallen apart. TJF and MOA have not posted in almost three months, Sassy has bolted, Luke hasn't posted in over two weeks, and the reactionaries have gone further underground.

To help hasten this inevitable tragedy, I'll provide a few comments.

How To Grill by Steven Raichlen is the best cookbook ever. Where else can you find a recipe for Volcanic Applesauce next to a recipe for pork chops?

"Coon hunters for Christ" may be the best bumper sticker I've seen in awhile.

12 oz Mouse's new season totally kicks ass.

I've recently been mistaken for a fry cook at Ryan's.

Somewhere the Masked Blogger must be very happy...

What a Difference a Year Makes

2006-08-29T19:31:00.000-05:00

Last year at this time, I was drinking Jack Daniels with JTF and cursing Paul Williams for giving us the wind speeds in Greenville.

Yes, it was a turbulent and unsettling time in my youth. A time to question authority... a time to contemplate life and discover just how I fit in to this crazy world... a time to grow up and come into my own... a time to sit in the dark and ponder the importance of my own existence...a time to learn just what type of man I really was... a time to drink too much and pass out on a love seat.

Night of the Lepus

2006-08-10T22:40:00.000-05:00

A couple of nights ago, I endured a very distressing dream. It started quite benignly as I was driving down a highway. I exited the highway and approached a house that was surrounded by giant inflatable items such as moon walks, space jumps, water slides, etc. As I approached the house, I took a left turn on a street that ran adjacent to the property. As I made the turn, I noticed a gigantic inflatable rabbit hopping towards my car. It very cutely started repeating the phrase, "I'm going to kill you." It then gave a sweet little bunny laugh. Of course, I began to have car problems and the rabbit of doom began to get closer and closer while still repeating his maniacal message. Luckily, I awoke before the evil creature caught up with me, but I was very unsettled for the rest of the night.

Can anyone help me decipher the meaning of this nightmare.

Last Year

2006-08-06T21:21:00.000-05:00

It occurred to me earlier today that at this time last year, I had made my fateful journey west. In fact, as I type this, I was dining on buffalo burgers in Montana. Looking back, it's hard to say that it went well, but it's even harder to say that I regret doing it.

I've never been one for complete unbridled spontaneity, but that trip was as close as I may ever come to such a concept.

As I approach the bridge between 20 and 50, it is my hope that I am still able to keep some of the reckless behavior that makes youth so exhilarating, while tempering it with the lessons of experience.

So, to all of you in the blogosphere, I urge you not to completely sell out the concepts of responsibility and "adulthood." You'll someday wish you hadn't.

Bo Does Dallas

2006-08-03T22:29:00.000-05:00

Well, I survived my recent business in the Big "D." As always, I learned several things while I was there. As a public service, I thought I would share my newly-found knowledge with you.

1. Sharing a city with 10,000 Mary Kay representatives can be very daunting.
2. Running into a very attractive and very drunk rep is far more pleasant.
3. Buffalo filets are damn good.
4. A "memory eraser" contains kahlua.
5. Vendors are good people to spend time with.
6. Opening a Chipotle's restaurant in Starkville would be a license to print money.
7. Winning door prizes is fun.
8. If Dallas had the humidity of central Mississippi, it would be the fourth-worst place in the U.S. to live. (Oxford, Pearl and New Jersey occupy the top three spots)
9. Lee Harvey Oswald was the sole assassin of JFK.
10. A "gremlin" is a great drink, but don't have one after midnight.
11. A very good Kenny Rodgers impersonator performs in Dallas.
12. Unfortunately, a very poor Dolly Parton impersonator and Willie Nelson impersonator also perform in Dallas.
13. The Adam's Mark is a very overrated hotel.
14. Chasers work very well.

"Outa My Way, I'm Drunk as Hell"

2006-07-23T21:20:00.000-05:00

For anyone who cares, the first six episodes of 12 oz. Mouse are available for viewing on the net. Just go to AdultSwim.com (it's linked on my page) and click on the Adult Swim Fix.

You'll thank me.

He's too sexy...

2006-07-20T22:24:00.000-05:00

I know all you females in the blogosphere are clamoring for a way to contact this perfect specimen of male virility. Alas, he cannot be yours. Three years ago today he was taken off the market when one very lucky gal made an honest man of him.

'Tis sad, but true. Sorry ladies.

R.I.P. Mole

2006-07-13T20:10:00.000-05:00

I came to a very sad realization today. Our beloved reactionary, Mole, has passed away. I've been trying to avoid accepting this horrible truth for the past several months, but it's time to face the reality that Mole is no more. He's not commented since the month of April, and, as we all know, that is so unlike him.

At times like these, it is important to rally around the things that really matter in life and hope that we can derive a small bit of comfort from them. Let's not focus on the horrible fate that most likely befell him, but celebrate the sense of self-importance that his comments exhibited.

Mole, your were truly a prince among small disgusting burrowing mammals. I almost loved you, man.

That being said, it is as equally possible that he sutained a massive head wound, has amnesia, and is now the masked blogger...who really knows?

Violated: A Dramatic Reading by James Earl Jones

2006-07-09T19:27:00.000-05:00

Today, the sanctity of my home was violated. My sense of safety was compromised. My faith in humanity was slightly diminished. I was the victim of a house burglary.

The thief crept in during my morning absence like a cowardly jackal, devoid of all human decency. Upon my return, I was confronted with his handiwork. As the realization of what had occurred registered, I became simultaneously enraged and frightened. I no longer felt like my home was a place of refuge; it had been besmirched and corrupted (like a $50 hooker in Bangkok).

As I try to recover from such an unfortunate incident, I can find solace in one fact: at least my pimp suit wasn't taken.

Slogan

2006-07-01T08:39:00.000-05:00

I've decided that my blog needs a slogan. A short phrase that will summarize the philosphy of my blogging experience. To that end, I conducted a relentless search. After weeks of research and prayerful consideration, I am proud to say that my blog now has a guiding principle.

Click to view.

New Slogan

My Life as Ted

2006-06-26T22:45:00.000-05:00

It occurred to me, today, while I was working in Jackson, that I have become the Ted to our director's Dr. Kelso. That was a rather depressing revelation. The only differences between Ted and myself is that I don't live with my mother, I have more hair (for now), and I can't sing. Otherwise, the comparison is pretty spot on.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you should be ashamed of yourself and make a pledge to your maker to watch Scrubs on NBC.

View-Masters Kick Ass!!!

2006-06-08T22:06:00.000-05:00

My day at work was going pretty crappy until I met with a couple of reps from a vendor who is courting our business. They came bearing the usual collection of promotional materials. Pens, brouchures, etc. However, they also brought me a blue View-Master! It totally ruled. The rest of the day was a parade of View-Master-induced bliss. Life is good.

The Masked Blogger Strikes

2006-05-30T21:48:00.000-05:00

Hi there, Blogosphere. This is not "Bo Hica", this is a message from the Masked Blogger. I was originally called in to this corner of the Blogosphere because there was concern that this unique community was becoming a victim of apathy and non-posting. It was my task to convince everyone to start posting again and to make this a productive area of internet discussion.

However, after reading the mindless drivel that passes for blogging around here, I have changed my mind. It is now my sworn duty to do whatever it takes to keep you people from any further blogs that can only have negative effects on public discourse.

I'm sure that many of you are asking, "How can you have gotten on Bo Hica's blog?" The simple answer is that his password was so freakin' obvious. For it to be any more predictable, he would have to have it tattooed on his forehead in 64-point font. The man has absolutely no creativity when it comes to...anything.

Speaking of Bo, his blogs are pure torture to wade through. Apparently, he thinks that obscure randomness equates to witty and enjoyable material. It's like pulling teeth to read his self-styled "high concept" posts. He pathetically switches from one gimmick to another. From "invisible" posts, to inanely stupid games, and other tedious crap, he has pushed the limit of what sane people will tolerate. When he's not trying to "entertain" us with one of his insipid revelations, he's torturing everyone with his melancholy statements of doomed love. No wonder he's unhappy; what female in her right mind would give him the time of day? I would love to meet this girl that he's been pining over just to tell her how lucky she is that she did not end up with him. Furthermore, if I have to uncover one more post about the evils of Lowe's or the dangers of picnic tables, I won't be responsible for my actions. In fact, I think that there should be a new award instituted for the worst blog on the net. It could be called the Lowe's Picnic Table Award. If there's anyone else nominated other than Bo, there's no justice in this world.

That being said, there is more wrong with this area of the "sphere" other that Bo Hica. Have you read Luke's blog? I must admit that it's the only blog with any redeeming social value. If you suffer from insomnia, you should not miss it. I defy anyone who has not consumed more than three cups of coffee to make it all the way through one of his blogs without falling into a coma. Luke's blogs read like the diary of an impotent Don Juan. " Today, I went to the mall. I stopped at the food court and ordered a corn dog. There was a cute girl behind the counter. She smiled at me. I'm planning on going back after I watch the new episode of the Gilmore Girls." Who needs tranquilizers when you have access to material like this????

This brings me to the blog of Sassy McDougal. Her blogs have a certain arrogance about them. She tries to parcel out her blogs every few weeks. I'm guessing this is some misguided attempt to assign some semblance of value to them. Something along the lines of "Oh, wow! Sassy has chosen to honor the world today with a blog post. As mere humans, we are so unworthy of such enlightenment!" Given the pedestrian content of her blog, such delusions of grandeur are certainly misplaced. Why does she present her blog this way? I'm not sure. I could gain more insight and guidance from a poorly-translated fortune cookie.

Next on this pathetic list is TJF's blog. Does anyone know what "TJF" stands for. I think it's obvious what the "F" represents, but the other letters are a mystery. He posts even less than Sassy. Consequently, his blogs contain even less relevance than hers. He doesn't seem to have established a style and has borrowed elements from the aforementioned other losers. The only thing worse than a creator of a crappy blog is a person who plagiarizes from creators of crappy blogs.

Finally, we can focus on the blog of My Own Artist. Every corner of the net needs a conscience. Unfortunately, MOA's blog does not provide such. It does create momentary flashes of well-conceived social commentary. However, such flashes are extraordinarily short-lived and provided completely by mistake. It's basically a road map for how to live a responsibility-free existence. "Today, I quit my job with I.B.M. and biked down to the lake to commune with the moths." Given the losers that inhabit his area of the blogosphere, I'm sure that such material is well-received.

This just leaves Mole and Vile Woman to deal with. I, begrudingly, have to give them a compliment. They have not tortured us with their own hapless attempts at a blog. After reading their wearisome comments, I can only imagine how gut-wrenchingly tiresome their blogs would be. It takes a person devoid of any creativity to be so intimidated by this talentless group of hacks that he/she will not post a blog of his/her own. However, that is what Mole and Vile Woman have managed to do. Their lack of skill shines as a beacon of incompetence that places a period at the end of this whole disaster.

I used to believe in a higher power. However, until you are all struck down and your posts cease, I can only assume that a new apostacy has occurred.

Objet d' Art

2006-05-15T19:35:00.000-05:00

During my travels this past weekend, I was able to acquire a pretty nifty painting. However, it was made clear to me that the painting was not mine to keep. It was simply a loan. Rumor has it that the true owner is a former beauty queen.

More news as events warrant.

Crime Doesn't Pay

2006-05-03T21:06:00.000-05:00

Apparently, the producers of Lost don't take too kindly to their cast members getting charged with DUI.

Confounding the Nielsons

2006-04-29T14:23:00.000-05:00

I suddenly have a desire to watch Gilmore Girls. Can anyone posit a theory for my inexplicable behavior?

The Invisible Post

2006-04-25T23:16:00.000-05:00

This is, without a doubt, the most inflammatory, provocative, incendiary, subversive and incitive essay in the history of the English language. It will turn brother against brother and create and general sense of civil unrest. If read by a sizeable portion of persons, it could darn well destroy civilization as we know it. Therefore, for the safety of our planet, I will display this with an invisible font.

It is as follows:

1. Your most deeply-held belief is absurdly and laughably wrong.
2. Michael Jackson is your birth mother.

Carl's CoC Strikes Back

2006-04-20T22:00:00.000-05:00

Just when I thought it was safe to go outside my house, I am subjected to this eyesore:

This would be okay if I lived in Pearl , drank the Beast, watched Nascar, and had only four teeth. However, my goals in life are a bit loftier than scoring with some intoxicated MILF behind the local Superstop.

This. Must. Stop. If anyone has a truck they would be willing to donate to the cause, the CoC could greet Carl when he awakens at his new residence.

I Have Arrived!

2006-04-12T21:30:00.000-05:00

Type my name into the Google search engine and click the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button. Oh, yeah!

In case you're interested, I'll be signing autograph's at VM's place over the weekend.

Edit: Apparently search engines are ever-evolving creatures. If you answered the call and took the challenge after April 12, you would not have be lead to the proper site. Oh well...you snooze, you lose.

Silence of the Lowe's

2006-04-06T23:38:00.000-05:00

When I arrived home this evening, I discovered that there were two pieces of mail from Lowe's. Both articles proudly carried the official Lowe's motto of this year: "Let's Build Something Together"

I cannot begin to tell exactly how many expletives crossed my mind. It requires positive exponents much larger than have ever been considered.

Here's to You, Edna Sanchez!

2006-04-03T23:43:00.000-05:00

I'll bet you have never been immortalized in a blog post before. That has changed. It's time the the entire vast Blogosphere realizes what a truly amazing individual that you are.

Even though, I don't know you, I hope that one day I can visit you in San Marcos, Texas. That would so totally rule!!!! I'm thinking we could hang out and play Sodoku.

Dusk to Dawn She Trolls and She Will Lay Dying

2006-03-29T22:00:00.000-06:00

Actually, I'm not sure whether she does or not. That's just what Tongo Hiti says. They could be wrong. She also may or may not be an attentnion whore. It's hard to say. I don't have the enough information to take a solid position on this issue. The only thing that I know for sure is to watch out for a rocket-powered skateboard if it's ridden by a chinchilla.

CCoC Update!

2006-03-22T23:50:00.000-06:00

The Calvacade has departed! When I got home tonight, all that crap was gone. The trash doesn't run until tomorrow, so I'm not sure what happened to it.

Maybe Carl reads this blog. If so, I'd like to thank all those who commented and scared the hell out of him.

Carl's Calvacade of Crap

2006-03-21T17:42:00.000-06:00

This is not a picture of some junkyard. This picture was made this afternoon, and this pile of junk is sitting across the street from my house. It contains an old TV, a broken sawhorse, a dilapidated couch and various other hobo treasures. It has been there since Sunday. I guess my neighbor thought that the junkyard faeries would come and cart this away. Sadly they have not. I do not relish having to look at this everyday for the immediate future.

If anyone has any suggestions on how to handle this, please share.

What The Hell Is on Joey's Head?!

2006-03-16T22:03:00.000-06:00

More importantly, who gives a crap? I humbly submit Nickleback's "Photograph" as a nominee for the most overplayed song of the decade. The song was tolerable the first couple of hundred times I heard it on the radio. Now, I am unable to adequately describe it without using Buster-like profanity. If you live in a market that has more than seven stations, odds are, at any given moment, you will hear the song as you scan the dial.

BTW, what's up with Luke's blog? Did C3 manage to shut it down?

I'm Not An Actor, But I Play One on T.V.

2006-03-12T22:26:00.000-06:00

Random observations...

Mississippi State is the only Division I undefeated baseball team in the country!

Smoking cigarettes is not good for your teeth.

I will likely become a witness is C3's murder trial.
Related observation: Luke will go missing under mysterious circumstances this year.

Sometimes you can cross paths with a person you've been wanting to meet and not even realize that you have done so until later.

I have become a hero in Clarke County.

Airplane is a funny movie, but not quite as funny as I remembered.

24 kicks ass.

A very interesting movie debuted today in Tiburon, California.

An Offer You Shouldn't Refuse

2006-03-01T18:31:00.000-06:00

I have a crisp C-note for anyone who can complete the following task. That's right, kids, 100 bucks for the first person who completes the challenge that I have devised. "What is the challenge?" I hear you cry. Well, gentle blog reader the challenge is as follows:

The first person who has themselves photographed on every carousel horse in the Queen City wearing a pimp suit within a 12-hour period wins. Of course, I will provide the pimp suit, the digital camera, and a map of the horses. I live to give.

According to this website , there are over 50 horses.

I eagerly await your responses.

For All I Know, If Darwin Hadn't Learned to Pawn His Stuff...

2006-02-25T11:02:00.000-06:00

Those was the last words spoken by a character in one of my dreams the moment before I awoke this morning. I cannot remember who this character was, although I think he worked at the Vatican.

What was this person trying to say? I think it would have been very profound. Can anyone help me finish this?

Spam Haikus

2006-02-21T17:29:00.000-06:00

If you're at all like me (and, hopefully, you're not), then you probably are getting a smattering of oddly-titled spam in your inbox. I'm guessing that these unusual titles are the result of the new anti-spam filters.

However, I've noticed that a lot of the spam that I have received contains five and seven syllable titles. What could be a better waste of time than creating spam haikus?

For example:

At yam not befoul
Tappet wallace persiflage
Speckle aggressive

Or how about:

In clerk in carnal
Waters prurient estop
Rickert some lattice

Finally:

Counterattack crimp
Bent artisan acyclic
Fetter ribbon fare

Please feel free to add your own.

I Caught You A Delicious Bass

2006-02-17T21:04:00.000-06:00

Yes, it's true gentle blog reader. I have personally caught YOU a delectable freshwater fish.

Well... actually, it's not a bass; it's more of a catfish. And I didn't really catch it... I just bought it at the local supermarket. O.K.... I didn't exactly purchase it, I just kinda looked at it for a while. Anyway, the thought is the important part. Well, that and the herbs for fish.

The Menace of Hervé Villechaize?

2006-02-16T20:10:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I wonder if I had watched things in chronological order, would I have viewed them differently. A prime example is the above-mentioned actor. I first came to know him as the lovable and whimsical character of Tattoo on the television series, Fantasy Island.

After being fully indoctrinated by that series, I watched the James Bond movie, The Man with The Golden Gun. In it, Herve' plays the role of the Bond villain's "evil" henchman, Nick Nack. What I am unable to ascertain, at this point, is whether the Nick Nack character was supposed to be menacing or just comic relief. Viewed through the "Tattoo" filter of my existence, I just don't know.

Can anyone help?

Asbestos In Obstetrics

2006-02-15T22:44:00.000-06:00

This has to be one of my favorite movies of all time. Where else could you watch the combined starpower of Melissa Gilbert, Lou Ferrigno, and Robert Ulrich? The drama... the emotion... the action... the romance - it is simply sublime.

The only downside is that it hasn't been released on DVD, and I can only watch it on TCN. Well, who said life was perfect?

An Offer You Can't Refuse

2006-02-14T23:42:00.000-06:00

40 pieces of gold to the first person who brings me Monkey Boy's head on a silver platter. If you act now, I'll even reimburse you for the cost of the platter (provided you save the receipt).

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Idiots

2006-02-11T08:27:00.000-06:00

If last year had gone as I had scripted it, I would be getting married today. Hopefuly, I will soon realize that this was a good thing. I'm just not quite there, yet.

On a positive note, if my plans had worked out, I would likely never have known what Kamikaze Karaoke is.

The Barry Zuckercorn of Cruises

2006-02-06T22:33:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm back from my adventure at sea and it was very good. I had a relaxing week of tropical fun and umbrella drinks. I did the Duval Crawl and took a ghost tour in Key West, saw Cuba, had a jeep adventure in the Caymans, and partied at Carlos & Charley's and what was left of Mr. Sanchos in Cozumel.

The only downside was that the demographic was the same as a retirement community in Florida. However, it was fun to create a frenzied mob by mentioning that the cast of Matlock was having a Q & A in the theater.

I finished off the trip with some light smuggling and bootlegging. I would have to say that it was a very successful adventure.

Big Fun on The Sea

2006-01-28T00:17:00.000-06:00

I'm a little bummed today. I shouldn't be 'cause I'm poised to embark upon an adventure at sea. One that will test the very mettle of my being. It should be swell.

Hopefully, everyone will be able to survive without my wry and slightly skewed observations in convenient blog format. I'll be thinking of you all while consuming tropical drinks on the Mexican coast.

A Rockin' Pageant Party

2006-01-23T21:18:00.000-06:00

I's like to give mad props to Miss Taken for her kick-ass pageant party. I also have to give love to the party's sponsor- Jackson Hewitt. "They can find you deductions you didn't even know you had." Thanks for the shirts. They were Nascarastic.

The party was great. There was "Naked in the Woods," hats, a betting pool, boggle, and other assorted fun activities.

I'm already looking forward to next year.

It's GUMSANE!!!!!!!

2006-01-16T15:57:00.000-06:00

Those of you that have not played drunken scrabble, need to do so. It's great. You'll thank me later.

Change of Plans

2006-01-12T21:52:00.000-06:00

I thought I was traveling west this weekend, but failed communiques have kept me from reaching that goal. As much as I would like to try out my spiffy new specs, I refuse to pay to spend a night in Meltonville. Maybe I can repeat the magic of last Friday at the Hawg. That would be cool. At least I don't live in Pearl.

My Week in Review

2006-01-10T22:16:00.000-06:00

Just a few observations from the past week.

1. Work still sucks.
2. It can be very hard to get straight answers about the beliefs and doctrine of the LDS church.
3. I can't stay in a tanning bed for more than 6 minutes without getting burned.
4. The MSU basketball team may be better than I thought.
5. Drunk girls dig me.

The High-Speed Actimac Hedaddy

2006-01-03T22:46:00.000-06:00

Today I took a major technological step forward. I now have DSL; woooohoooo!! After an hour or so and some tech support from India, I am one extreme net surfer. I've also managed to create a wireless network at home, although it still has some problems.

The first of you to send me an e-mail which contains an actual message wins a prize.

Bo's 2005: A Year In Review

2005-12-31T14:26:00.000-06:00

2005 is only hours away from being gone forever, and I, for one, could not be any happier. To put it bluntly: this year sucked. My home was hit by two hurricanes, Dennis and Katrina, (oddly enough, I received more damage from Dennis), my heart was broken, I became very accident-prone, I made some very unwise travel decisions, I lost my last grandparent, my job was a hellish nightmare, and there was shockingly little utilization of Lord Melman by the media.

That being said, I don't want to give the impression that nothing positive happened this year. I realize that I am blessed and that most of this planet's inhabitants would gladly change places with me. I have a decent-paying job, a nice home, the best friends that anyone could hope to have, and very little fear of being killed for my beliefs. This year, I did get to go to the Lone Star state and spend an afternoon of fun on the river, I discovered the joys of blogging, I visited a brewery, I helped keep the Crescent City Grill profitable, and every so often an extraordinarily intoxicated female would take a liking to me.

However, on the balance, I still have to place this year firmly in the bad column. As a way of further supporting my categorization, I humbly submit the following list:

Top Ten Reasons that 2005 Can Kiss My Ass
10. No cruises
9. MSU Football
8. Dennis
7. Dressers
6. Last-minute trips
5. Naylor
4. Lowes
3. Katrina
2. Picnic Tables
1. Niblets (non-corn variety)

I hope everyone has a fun and safe New Year's Eve and 2006 is your best year ever.

Big Time in Vicksburg

2005-12-28T16:45:00.000-06:00

I spent a good bit of my day in River City. I had sub-par barbecue, browsed through a very politically incorrect book, and went to the mall. I met a girl and after making small talk for a few minutes, she used a vibrating device on me. Shortly afterwards, I gave her money.

I'm already looking forward to my next trip.

Merry Christmas!

2005-12-25T02:05:00.000-06:00

I hope all of you in Blogland have the bestest Christmas ever.

After last night, I'm in a much better mood as my chances for 2006 seem particularly bright. I was fortunate enough to watch Napoleon Dynamite and to receive the gift of spices. Now, whenever I want to make a move on a sweet honey, I'll tell her that I caught her a delicious bass. When she comes to my place to consume said bass, I'll make sure that it has plenty of "herbs for fish" sprinkled upon it. I'll get more tail than Sinatra.

Obligatory Happy Post

2005-12-20T21:55:00.000-06:00

It's the week before Christmas, and I feel the need to make a postive blog entry. After re-reading many of my recent blog posts, I feel that I may have given the impression that my life is a hopeless pit of despair. This is not entirely accurate as there are some good things going on in my life at the moment. If you'll bear with me, I'll attempt to list some of them.

1. I only have two days of work left this year.
2. There are only 11 days left in 2005!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3. I will be embarking upon a trip to the tropics next month.
4. My boss has returned from Iraq.
5. Arrested Development may be saved by Showtime.
6. Out of the next 48 days, I only have to work 20.
7. Last but not least, my blog has a new reader.

I Want to Cry So Bad, but I Don't Think I Can Spare the Moisture

2005-12-13T22:55:00.000-06:00

In case I haven't mentioned it lately, Arrested Development is the BEST SHOW EVER!!!!!

Friend of the Picnic Table

2005-12-10T09:48:00.000-06:00

I was attacked by my chest of drawers yesterday morning. I survived, but was left with a gash in my forehead. Now, I'm having to wear a band-aid on my head which looks stupid. I'm trying to concoct a tale which would explain my injury and maybe make me more interesting to the fairer sex. If anyone has any ideas, please let me know.

A Little Help

2005-11-28T23:13:00.000-06:00

It appears that on Thursday I will be expected to give a leadership talk based on the theme of "The Foundation of Success." While I'm not exactly an expert on this subject, at least it's better than having to give a talk about "The Foundation of Long-Lasting Relationships." The interesting twist is that I have to give this talk while wearing a construction worker's outfit. (Don't ask why) If anyone has advice on what I could include in my talk, I would be eternally grateful.

Ten Things That are More Fun Than MSU Football

2005-11-20T13:59:00.000-06:00

1. A trip to the proctologist
2. Lupus
3. Being marooned on an island with Michael Moore
4. Festivus
5. Watching reruns of The Nanny
6. Non-alcoholic beer
7. New Orleans Saints Football (just barely)
8. Picnic Tables
9. A visit to a rendering plant.
10. Death

What A Difference A Year Makes

2005-11-18T00:34:00.000-06:00

I realized tonight that on November 17, 2004, I was on a cruise ship sailing from Montego Bay to Grand Cayman. This evening, I'm at home trying to decide whether I should turn my heater on for the first time this year... not exactly the same level of enjoyment.

OMG, They Killed Ted! You Bastards!!!!

2005-11-13T22:52:00.000-06:00

Sam Lloyd, the actor that plays Ted on Scrubs also plays Bree's shrink on Desperate Housewives. He just got tossed off a bridge by George, the sociopathic pharmacist. WTF

The Hooverization of My World

2005-11-12T13:13:00.000-06:00

To say I have received my share of bad news this week, would be tremendous understatement. As I have alluded to in my last couple of posts, positive developments have been few and far between. However, I think that the last revelation is the straw that broke the camel's back. It appears the Arrested Development will be cancelled. The number of episodes ordered this season has been cut to 13 and it has been put on hiatus through the end of sweeps. This means that we just have 8 episodes left. Be sure to treasure each one.

Also, my boss is a full-fledged f'oron. I have heard of people getting fired for the content of their blogs. If this post results in my firing, then it will have served me well. At 4:30 Thursday afternoon, this idiot send out an e-mail stating that all attorneys can no longer travel unless they have court on that particular day. I can't even begin to explain how flawed that edict is. Suffice it to say, this egomaniacal asshole must be stopped, and it appears that I'm the only person who can try.

Thank God MSU is not playing football today. That would be the only way this week could get any worse.

Dr. Love's Private School for Girls

2005-11-09T23:55:00.000-06:00

The title of this post is not some alcohol-induced fantasy of mine, nor is it the title of some Cinemax After Dark feature. It is the subject of an genealogical e-mail that I received today as I am a member of a mail list that focuses on the Love family. Apparently, this school was located in Fulton, Missouri and was open during the 1840s. At this time, I know nothing more about it, but I hope to learn more.

On an unrelated topic, it would appear that my admission of error last week was a bit premature. Recent events indicate that my first assessment of the situation was largely correct. Any aural ambiguity I was experiencing, proved to be of no consequence. Unfortunately, this is a hollow victory, at best. I would have preferred to be wrong.

Till Death Do us Part

2005-11-06T22:53:00.000-06:00

I received an interesting phone call this afternoon. It would appear that an acquaintance of mine will be getting married in the next couple of weeks. As glorious as this news is, I was less than thrilled. This could be attributed to the fact that I'm a petty person, or that even though I'm a doormat, I have my limits.

Rest assured, I handled this news in a manner befitting a rational, intelligent, and mature person such as myself. I went to my local bar and got stinking drunk.

Pieces of Flair

2005-11-02T22:51:00.000-06:00

Gather your red swingline stapler, your defective fax machine, and your "Jump to Conclusions" mat- a special addition Office Space DVD has just been released this week! It includes commentary from the actors and Mike Judge, deleted scenes, an alternate Lumbergh ending, and DVD-ROM features.

I'm sure many of you are thinking to yourselves "Bo, this sounds like a great deal; how can I take advantage of such a wonderful opportunity?" The answer is easy. Just do the link. I live to give.

I've Made A Huge Mistake

2005-11-02T01:47:00.000-06:00

Yet another thing that GOB Bluth and myself have in common, besides an inability to perform magic, is that we are always messing up and realizing it a little too late. It appears that my pessimism has started to affect my hearing.

After playing a select piece of audio to several people, the consensus is that I was incorrect in what I had thought I heard. It's amazing the different connotations that the words "we all" and "we" can create.

Now I'm left to try to figure out how to rectify this situation. Much like GOB, I'm sure whatever I do will only make things worse.

Night of 1000 (minus 992) Asshats

2005-11-01T01:52:00.000-06:00

To celebrate All Hallows Eve, several associates and myself decided to appear at the local watering hole in specific garb which would be an homage to a certain high school history teacher. At the appointed time, we all arrived in appropriate dress, and a good time was had by all. Several waitresses were traumatized, but they seemed to have recovered reasonably well before the end of the night. I brought a camera and pictures will be forthcoming in the near future.

Two to Three Pounds of Miscellaneous Spider Parts

2005-10-29T17:53:00.000-05:00

That is not the nicest image that one could conjure up. However, what makes it truly disgusting is that this is what the average person eats every year. Over a lifetime, that is about two hundred pounds of spider parts. Yuck! If you don't believe me do the link: altenate source of protein

Insensitive Clothiers

2005-10-24T21:34:00.000-05:00

As I was driving down Hwy 39 today, I passed Harry Mayer's and noticed a larger banner in front of the store. In all caps it bellowed, "HUGE SUIT SALE." That struck me as very inappropriate. Wouldn't it have been better to call it a "Big and Tall Suit Sale." I'm sure that men of abnormally-large girth enjoy a good suit sale, but it seems kind of mean to refer to them as "huge."

Of course, it's very possible that I have no understanding of the complexities of marketing plus-size suits, and derision is the best method. Who knows...

Blood Is Thicker Than Water

2005-10-19T01:46:00.000-05:00

Sassy has invalidated any lame arguments that VW has advanced. I placed a call to her and SHE ACTUALLY RETURNED MY CALL. There was no phantom "cell phone trouble" nor was there any reason to wonder why my call was not returned. Not only did she converse with me, but she also helped me create a plan for the next year. (This is something that VW would only do under threat of mass homicide.)

So to Sassy, I say "Thank You." And to VW, I say, "Get a better apologist!"

I Don't Need No Stinkin' Self Esteem

2005-10-18T00:13:00.000-05:00

I've always heard about the power of non-verbal communication. Supposedly, most of what is communicated between people is done so through non-verbal interaction. I always thought the impact of such communication was substantially limited in the context of telephone conversations. I'm beginning to think that this is wrong.

For proof I point to the fact that, invariably, when a woman (in a non-work situation) promises to call me back, she cannot bring her to do so. This applies to all types of females: persons I have a romantic interest in, persons who claim to be "good friends", family members, and other acquaintances. Therefore, I must be, through non-verbal means, telling these people "If you return my call, I will hunt you down and kill, not only you, but your children with a rusty chainsaw in the most agonizing way possible."

In light of this development which of the following scenarios is more likely?

Scenario #1

Michael Moore and George W. Bush get married in a private ceremony at Martha's Vineyard.

Scenario #2

A female (in a non-work situation) actually returns my phone call.

By the way, this is my 69th post. I would make a witty comment, but I can't come up with any amusing anecdotes. Maybe Luke can. With all the time he's been spending in Byram lately, he probably has some suggestions.

This Is The End.

2005-10-13T22:31:00.000-05:00

Which of the following is more likely to indicate the apocalypse?

Scenario #1

The recent deluge of natural disasters. i.e. Hurricanes Katrina & Tina along with the Pakistan Earthquake.

Scenario #2

Walker, Texas Ranger is being resurrected in the form of T.V. movies.

Too Much of a Good Thing

2005-10-10T22:20:00.000-05:00

Am sure many of you have noticed that Sassy and Luke stopped making blog posts approximately one month ago. This just happens to coincide with the fact that they are now living within 20 miles of each other. hmmmmm.... So, given this information, what scenario is more likely.

Scenario #1
They both lost interest in blogging at about the same time.

Scenario #2
Their geographic proximity unlocked latent passions (ewwww!) which can only be quenched by repeated tawdry dalliances (double ewwwww!) in a flea-bag Byram motel. These encounters leave them with no time to blog anymore.

****Bonus Question****
If scenario #2 is correct, should someone tell TJF & NC?

The More Likely Game Revisited

2005-10-10T00:29:00.000-05:00

It's now time for the next installment of the More Likely Game.

I was going to my basement this afternoon and discovered that my backyard was on fire. Luckily it was just an underbrush fire and was easily put out with my garden hose. How could such a thing have happened?

Scenario #1

Someone idiot tossed a cigarette butt out of his car

Scenario #2

It was the result of a vast conspiracy involving all levels of government which was formulated by the ousted director of FEMA.

As always, I anxiously await your feedback.

The More Likely Game

2005-10-05T00:57:00.000-05:00

This is the inaugural post of the More Likely Game. You, the blog reader, get to vote on the more likely scenario.

Scenario #1

Mississippi State has a 7 win season.

or

Scenario #2

A female voluntarily returns my phone call.

I anxiously await the voting totals...

Let's See What Develops

2005-10-05T00:19:00.000-05:00

I was lucky enough to watch the third episode of Arrested Development last night and it was freakin' sweet. From Bob Loblaw to Steve Holt! to roofies, it was everything I hoped it would be. The fact that they used a third actress to portray Marta was just icing on the cake.

On a completely unrelated topic, I have decided to quit my job and become a combination analyst/therapist. I plan to create a new job title by combining the first 2 syllables of the former with the last two syllables of the latter. My business cards will look fantastic!

Reality Strikes

2005-10-04T01:30:00.000-05:00

I'm sure that many of you remember, my MSU football post in early August. As I stated, I was full of unrealistic expectations for the season and even had Christopher Walken make a guest appearance.

This past Saturday, any pretext of optimism was lost. I had to endure one of the worst quarters of football, I have ever seen. All while managing to get sunburned AND rained upon. The game this week against Florida at the Swamp doesn't promise to be much better. At least I'll get to watch it indoors.

Getting Better Than I Deserve

2005-10-01T03:33:00.000-05:00

As you may have realized from reading this blog, I have not been overly pleased with my recent fate. However, this week, my situation took a turn for the better. This is largely due to the hard work of one person. I would like to take time to recognize this person. Mole, you are the wind beneath my wings. If not for your sartorial splendor, I would not have had the necktie necessary to impress.

Of course, I would also be remiss if I did not thank another important person. Luke, your constant prodding made me try even harder to reach for the stars. Hopefully, I will get there very soon. I owe you everything, man. Thanks.

I must also give mad props to the other person who made this all possible. Thank you so much, Sassy. Your critique of my e-mail correspondence was gold. Without you, I would have been lost.

Lastly, but not leastly, I would like to use this forum to express my deepest gratitude to Vile Woman. V.W., in the face of adversity, you persevered with your plan. You were the catalyst that was responsible for this event. Without your dedication and creativity, none of this would have occurred. It is truly an honor to be able to call you a friend.

Getting What I Deserve

2005-09-27T01:02:00.000-05:00

Last week I posted a blog which expressed mock concern and bitterness over a perceived practical joke which was played upon me. I knew that there wasn't one, but I was just trying to rattle some cages by claiming that there was.
Karma can be a bitch and while I wasn't looking, I got burned by a good prank. My expectations for this evening turned out to be false.

Anyway, no matter how disappointing my evening has been, at least I'm not an LSU fan. How do you lose a 21-0 halftime lead to Tennessee?

Speaking of mysteries. I wonder how long it will be before Luke or Sassy makes a new blog post? Will we be under a new presidential administration? I'm afraid to hazard a guess.

Emulating Ashton Kutcher?

2005-09-22T01:28:00.000-05:00

It appears that I have been the target of a bargain-basement version of Punk'd. I was presented with a situation that I knew deep-down was too good to be true. Yet, I fell for it hook, line and sinker. My naivete has, once again, proven to be a liability. I shall endeavor to take this as good-naturedly as possible. However, this does not mean that I won't be plotting my revenge. I have access to some very devious minds, so the perpetrators better watch out.

Eve Holt!!!!!

2005-09-20T20:00:00.000-05:00

Life appears to be getting better. Arrested Development's season premier was last night and it was freakin' hilarious. I was at Sassy's and we laughed our asses off. There were too many great moments to mention. If you haven't seen the show, you need to. Please....I'm begging. This CANNOT be the last season. Also, check out this spiffy link .

Subversive Government Raises

2005-09-14T01:46:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile since I've posted, but I finally have some good news to share!! In an attempt to keep my blog from turning into a Brad Paisley- Allison Kraus duet, I've been refraining from posting while I'm in a very despondent mood. Even though my job sucks and my personal life is in a shambles, I do have good news. I've saved a lot of money on car insurance.... Just kidding; this is not a Geico commercial.

The feds in their infinite wisdom have raised the mileage reimbursement rate effective September 1. ( I know many of you are saying, "you don't work for the feds, so why should you care?") The simple answer is that State of Mississippi employees get reimbursed for mileage at the same rate as the feds, wooohooo! Given that I drive around 1500 miles per month on the job, this is the equivalent of a $120 tax-free raise per month.
I'll take any good news where I can find it.

Spring Break!!!!!!!!!!

Hooray for Moms!!!!

2005-09-05T14:05:00.000-05:00

On their special day, I would like to send out a thanks to all the moms out there. You all bore the pains of labor to birth us. Whether it was the 4 hours that it really took or the 4 days that you claim, your sacrifice is greatly appreciated. Otherwise, I would not be on this planet and be unable to make such inspirational blog posts.

So to all moms, Happy Labor Day!!!!!

Opportunity Knocking

2005-08-27T14:25:00.000-05:00

Hi. I hope you are doing well. I'd like to talk to you about a good opportunity for you and your loved ones. We all have dreams; I know I do. I'd like to talk to you about an exciting opportunity that people are talking about.

On second thought...maybe not. It's really just some lame-ass pyramid scheme that involves detergent or something. I'm not sure.

However, this is still far less annoying than the recent proliferation of blog ads.

Schfifty-five

2005-08-26T01:37:00.000-05:00

Hey there, little blog reader. Do you want to know a secret? I know one...and it is soooooo good to hear it. I know how to post all the way to schfifty-five.

Yes...it is true. This is my 55th post and I could not be any prouder. In anticipation of such a momentous occasion, I went to Crescent City and participated in a Texas Hold-em Tournament. Of course, I lost, but I learned some very valuable lessons. None of which I can recall at this time, but it does not make them any less valuable.

Given how crappy my week has been, I hope that this signals the beginning of a new era. One where I am not some idiot's little bitch. It's a long shot...but I can always hope.

Why Even Bother?

2005-08-25T00:15:00.000-05:00

There is an old adage that there is nothing so bad that some bureaucrat can't make it worse. This was, once again, proven this week, when the esteemed "big boss" created an arbitrary reorganization plan. This plan is in no way based on the realities of the our current situation and has caused much distress among those who will have to implement it.

This has caused me to wonder why I should be concerned about our performance. The powers that be obviously are too stupid to realize the idiocy of this plan or they do see it, but don't care. Either way, we are all screwed.

I need to find a more honorable profession. I could pimp... I already have the outfit.

Love Me Some Hot-water Toilets

2005-08-21T18:17:00.000-05:00

This weekend, I stayed at the new abode of Mole and Vile Woman. A good time was had by all as a House Warming Party was held on Saturday. Laughably, I was co-hosting this event. In spite of my official status, the party went very well and all attendees appeared to have a good time. Afterwards, things got slightly out of control and unconfirmed rumors have it that Mole and I sang selected works from They Might Be Giants, The Offspring, and the Sound of Music.

However, the most interesting thing I experienced was the heated toilet in the guest bathroom. Apparently, the toilet is connected to the hot water. This could be a nice plus during the winter months. While it is likely an expensive extravagance, for someone of Mole and Vile Woman's wealth, it is a mere drop in the bucket.

On a completely unrelated note, I believe that I have become and full-fledged idiot. Sadly, running into a picnic table in the dark is now just the third dumbest thing I've done in the last month.

The Wit and Wisdom of Bruce Dickinson

2005-08-13T18:02:00.000-05:00

MSU football season is only 3 weeks away. I'm afraid that I've already developed an optimistic outlook that is in no way based on reality. By the end of September, I'm sure that I will, once again, become the cynical fan that everyone has come to know and love.

However, it is August and the Dawgs are undefeated. I'm ready for some college football!

In honor of this occasion the inimitable Bruce Dickinson has agreed to make the following contribution to my blog.

Thanks, Bruce. I appreciate your enthusiasm.

p.s. GTHOM

Family Channel?

2005-08-04T00:28:00.000-05:00

I was channel surfing tonight and came across the movie, Cruel Intentions. That wasn't surprising. What I did find disturbing was the channel that it was on: ABC Family Channel. I guess there is nothing more "family" oriented than a modernized version of Dangerous Liaisons.

At this rate, ABC Family will be indistinguishable from Cinemax in 6 months.

Feral Picnic Tables

2005-07-31T19:57:00.000-05:00

I return from the reunion as a victim of an largely-ignored danger: picnic tables. Friday night, I was minding my own business and taking a leisurely jog through the woods, when I was attacked by a savage picnic table. I was able to escape, but the damage had been done. My shin was badly bruised. In the next hour, it swelled a surprising amount. Luckily, I had the foresight to anesthetize myself earlier and was feeling very little pain.

The next morning, it looked simply wretched and I was reduced to hobbling around. It was quickly dubbed my "third knee" and I become some sort of family icon. I received a house call from a cousin who is a cardiologist and he checked my circulation in the leg and determined that it was just a bad bruise and not a fracture.

As of this post, the swelling has gone down and it's doing much better. I can almost walk without a limp. Just one word of warning. Even though a picnic table is located at a resort or park, it does not mean that it is domesticated. If you're making plans that involve proximity to picnic tables, be very careful and never turn your back. The shin you save may be your own!

Reunion

2005-07-28T01:15:00.000-05:00

This will be my last post for several days as I ready to depart for a family gathering in scenic Upper Alabama. This is always a unique event that is one part reunion and two parts frat party.

I will be bringing enough beer to ensure that no one in my family as to interact with anyone else sober. This can be a real key to family unity.

If I survive, I will be back to post next week.

Generic Blog Post

2005-07-25T21:33:00.000-05:00

I don't like Mondays. They suck.
I don't like summer. It's too hot.
I don't like work. It's too stressful.
Gas is too expensive.
It is too humid in Mississippi.
Brussell sprouts taste horrible.
Game show hosts are too smarmy.

I don't like creativity...it scares me.

Episode IV: A New Hope

2005-07-23T01:42:00.000-05:00

Reports of my eternal unhappiness may be a little premature. I have been doing my best trying to change the reality of my previously hopeless state of affairs. Normally, I wouldn't put so much effort into anything, but I figured, "why not?" With continued persistence, things may work out.

Wish me luck... I'll need it.

Let No Man Tear Asunder...

2005-07-20T18:15:00.000-05:00

I was reminded today that this is the second anniversary of the most disturbing of unions. The pairing of a vile woman with a mole. (ed. note: This is not to say that the vile woman had a mole, but that the vile woman was actually paired with a mole-like creature) The only thing more disturbing is that fact that I was one who placed those two in the bonds of Holy matrimony.

It was a lovely ceremony which was conducted in the heat and humidity that only a summer Mississippi afternoon could offer. It was full of love, hope, and a trip to the emergency room. A good time was truly had by all.

So to Vile Woman and Mole, I say "Congrats on two years of wedded bliss! I never doubted for one moment that it would last this long."

On a completely unrelated topic, I owe Cousin Luke ten bucks.

Shifting Demographics

2005-07-18T22:15:00.000-05:00

Today is a sad day for my blog. I have just lost readership in a key demographic group. Until now, roughly 20% of my readership has been in the coveted 20-29 year group. (the one most desired by blog advertisers) Sadly, It appears that I no longer have any posters from this important age group.

In light of this discovery, I will attempt to make my blog more accessible to the Gen Y crowd. I'm not sure how, but if any of you old bastards have an idea, let me know.

BTW, Happy Birthday to Vin Diesel. You rock, brotha!

It's The End Of The World As I Know It, And I Feel Like S**t.

2005-07-17T05:11:00.000-05:00

Things have gone rather badly for me this evening. My hand was forced early and it would appear that I won't have any need to leave MS in the near future.

On the positive side, I watched Magnolia tonight, I haven't been arrested, and I haven't put a bullet in my brain. So things could worse... at least I hope so. Otherwise, I have nothing positive to say.

Steve Holt!!!!!

2005-07-16T17:01:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday, Harrison!!

2005-07-13T02:02:00.000-05:00

As most of you already know, today is Harrison Ford's 63rd birthday. My family always gathers on this special day and celebrates.

Unfortunately, I will be unable to spend this evening with my parents, so we had to commemorate the anniversary of Harrison's birth a day early. Even though it wasn't on the actual day, gifts were exchanged, hamburgers were grilled and adult beverages were consumed.
A great time was had by all.

I cannot wait until next year!